The Path to 2020

The road is long, with many a winding turn.

Blah blah blah.

We are all, every one of us, a product of our environment. Who controls that environment changes through at least three stages of life, but for the most part, it is the Self that runs the show, makes the good choices, makes the bad and deal with the results of each in their turn.

I think I've said before that I have lived a life full f more opportunity that any one person deserves, and I have squandered a lot of it because of and not limited to:

1.          Fear
2.          Stupidity
3.          Lack of information and being too lazy to find shit out.
4.          Prolly under the above banner but I'll list it by itself, Lack of care.

Lost friends, lost love, lost jobs, lost money, lost myself because of any and /or all of the above. Abandoned people I shouldn't have for most of the above reasons too.Not pretty, not pretty at all.

(If anyone tells me to get over it, its in the past, forget it, etc etc, be aware its not. It's a cold, person who can just forget stuff.)

Moving on ...

There are many things I have wanted to do that fall outside of my comfort zone and for many or all of the above listed reasons I've not done them.

I wanted to write books and stories since I was a little kid. took me to my 30's to start, my 40's to get real about it. And when I got real about it, first thing I submitted was accepted and printed in a collection by one of the largest printing houses in the world.

As I said when I hung up the phone after a 2:00am phone call from NewYork that I had been accepted:

FUCK YEAH!!!

Or in the Marvel Universe Norse God speak: Fornicateth yea!!!

 (Sorry Steve, but yeah, I still swear a lot. Supposedly the sign of a high intelligence. Who knew... )

But ... did I follow up with that, as others also in the collection did??

No.

Wrote more, put together a couple dodgey versions and self published. Made a few enquiries but never really followed up. Many people who followed along helped me sort some of that stuff out ( Thanks Russell, Noel, Rob and Ali M) along with a few other supporters, but I didn't really give it my all. I just fluffed the chance and let nature take its course.

Built a TV show but let others tell me how it should have been done, not what was on TV ATM etc etc. I didn't push hard enough, now there are versions of what I want to do every-fucking-where. I might have been early, but I should have been first.

Nature, BTW, doesn't give a shit. You stop moving, you become food for something, even if it is your own lack of inertia.

Funny, but when I started to care, all of a sudden things start popping. A producer liked my concept and offered to help. We got along, we started to build it again. Currently on hiatus because he got an offer he couldn't refuse (I'd whack him if he did) the new TV show is awaiting our attention when we're back on the same page.

Then there's After the Flood, what started as a little short horror story about a river monster that eats a few citizens is now 500 pages of story with all sorts of things in it to attract attention.

And i'm rewriting it, coz I don't love it yet, but I will, and I have a new editor to help in the first instance (thanks Leisa) to get it through my head and onto paper. It's also spawned an accompanying volume called RAIN (Before the Flood), a short subject that saves dumping a lot of exposition in the main book.

There's also been a commissioned piece I've been invited to work on. Can't say much on that, but its exciting and a huge project that will be demanding and fun at the same time.

So now:

ANNOUNCEMENT Number One

Restarting my old

NITEWRITER MEDIA 

label, to get into marketing and pushing this monster along. Already have had positive feedback that's helped propel it through some early hiccups so onward I think.

This alone is big news, for me at least.

Moving on ...

I hate my job, my day bill paying job, that is. I no longer care who knows. 35 years and its boring. repetitive, full of people I'd rather not have in my life, even for a few minutes let alone years. There are many things I've thought of doing, many involving effort and pain but ...see above reasons.

I was offered a job that would now see me as the owner of successful business. didn't take it coz I needed to run away from a situation that was not as bad as I imagined, though still bad enough to a place I have grown to despise. Lost some of my finest people in the doing so. Have got a couple back but and I love them dearly, but it's years later and not the same because, years.

ld have transitioned a coup,e of times but out of my comfort zone, so didn't.

A quick aside, if I may:

FUCK YOUR COMFORT ZONE.

If it feels uncomfortable, it's prolly the right choice at the time. If it feels really dangerous, think a bit harder, but man, have a go. The rewards are massive. How many people do I now that stepped out, in the face of doubt and disbelief into their own thing, struggled a tiny bit but are now happier than they have ever been, doing stuff they love and getting the rewards due.

They took the risk.

It paid off, too many times to be a fluke.

Back to the story:

Always wanted to cook, even as a kid. My aunty was the doyen of Maltese cooking. My mum wasn't too bad either. When I was 12 I started working on what has become the worlds best rumballs. Almost perfect, still got a bit until they're perfect perfect. Along the way, I learned heaps from professionals and amateurs alike. I developed my own things, recipes and flavours but

Yup, didn't follow thru.

Until a couple months ago, when out of the blue, from a source - several of them - I had never considered I was encouraged to have a go, and I thought to myself

FOOD TRUCK.

Smoking beef and pork and chicken, making sauces and flatbreads all in real time. Put a lot of effort into that, learned heaps more, planned and set up the whole thing. Its a viable business, but do you know how labour intensive it is?? It would kill me. So, over the past few weeks, have scaled it back to something more manageable

Met a loverly young lady in Queensland who gave me a hint. Took her advice - so against my nature its not funny and now its doable.

Over the past couple of years I've developed a couple of sauces, BBQ sauces that are a dream. Lots of flavour, a little heat, great as a dip or as a marinade or as a sauce.

They work. Added in an apple jelly only able to be made a few weeks of the year from wild grown apples. (I used to love apple jelly as a little kid, then it just sort of disappeared). Have a coupe of more ideas to flesh out, but that brings me to

ANNOUNCEMENT Number Two

 A while back I started a foodie type blog that  add to occasionally. Not nearly enough, but its fun. Started out as a way to abuse fast food places that pissed me off, but morphed into a wild-food/cooking/ideas thing. It's called

BIG RIVER COTTAGE

and that's it. A new boutique label of sauces and accompaniments that will do selected markets and mail order. Currently in negotiation to market a range of honey as well, specially produced by a friend that has amped up the health and wellbeing factor a hundred fold based on Manuka Honey. Again, and i'm sorry, but details need to be kept close for the minute, but its a big one. Big River Cottage will handle some distribution and sales. This honey is special. Each frame has a different flavour, so startlingly different it will amaze you. Citrus, flowers, fruit. Macadamia favoured honey with nothing added but what the bees put in. Yeah.

Other things in the pipeline as well. in the process of building a website and setting up some infrastructure to get this running smoothly. I'll announce when its up and open, hopefully a couple of weeks, say end January, but dependant on other factors like writing and stuff.

And all ebing equal, we will be on the move again. Grown tired of this place. It's a pretty place in places, and we've met some truly wonderful people, but on the whole, its the people outside that small band that ruin the place. It's a place that is capable of anything, with the potential for so much, but apathy, maybe something along the lines of corruption and greed have all but killed its spirit. opportunity wasted. And that same apathy is seductive. If not kept on a tight leash, it invades your mind and you become like the very people you once despised.

Fuck 'em. Onward, Upward and outtta here. I'd like to say it's been fun, but I can't. Looking to a new brighter future somewhere else.

That's all for now. There will be more. Thanks for staying if you've reached this point. Comments always welcome.

HAPPY NEW YEAR. 

Welcome 2020 and all the promise you bring with you.

Bz

A New Start

Let's hope.

I started this with the intention of it being a sort of spiritual type deep and meaningful blog full of sensitive thoughts and wise words and all things like that.

That was the intention.

The reality is/was that I let myself drift too far from that ideal. I lost my connection to myself due to many environmental hassles as well as being time poor (or so I thought) and letting things rule my life rather than the other way round.

And thus it has lain idle for many a year (5 of 'em, count 'em. Five!!).

Of late, things have changed. This is the true dawning of Aquarius it seems. Drama - ever my enemy - reared its ugly head and held me captive for a long long time.  had to be everything to everyone, rockstar engineering support, super father, super husband, attentive friend. I took on problems I had no business dealing with, and I made sure everyone got through their hassles, surmounted their problems and walked away happy.

Everyone but me.

Five odd months ago and I get a phone call, the details of which will be spoken of soon, maybe not this post but soon. Suffice to say that things happened, things I was no prepared for, and in the course of dealing with them as best I could, found myself overwhelmed. The past - my past, that I had thought safety contained and controlled - was brought back into the light in a sudden and shocking way. Things I thought - if not forgotten, at least dealt with - became a monster loose from its chains and roaming wild in my mind, breaking other thoughts I'd covered and buried out of their confnes and allowing them to ride roughshod across my life.

I began to relive past mistakes, and they are many.

Too fucking many.

And for a minute, just one, maybe a few more, I lost the one thing I have always held dear.

I lost control.

I wrote something a long time ago that became part of a reasonably popular book optioned for a movie that didn't eventuate.



Time doesn't heal all wounds. Sometimes it just covers them with scar tissue.



It's funny, at 57 years of age, having endured some stuff as we all do in our life of collecting experiences, how easy it is to let those experiences just turn into a fucking disaster. You know its not a disaster, because here you are, 30 odd years after it all went wrong, having processed and worked through anger, pain, misery sadness to acceptance that its over and that is that, so it can't be bad, can it?

Here to tell you buddy, you might think you've done the work and set it all aside, but I'm willing to bet all you've done is cover it up or even buried it. That fucker is still in there, waiting for something to trigger its release.

It's not pretty.

Heart racing at an unhealthy level, unable to sleep, especially when you're a bad sleeper at the best of times, can't eat, want to drink all the wrong things. Pain for no other reason than you need to feel something. Panic. an overlying sense of doom.

All it took was a phone call.

On the surface, an innocent thing. ld friends catching up, a comment made, a disaster unfolding and your away.

The details will come out soon. I promise. It may be boring to you, I don;t know. Given my level of investment, it was life of death to me. It still is, but with a little luck, a lot of management and love from some unexpected sources, I might just turn this monster around and either kill him off, or just get him locked back under a tonne or two of new memories.

So yes, there will be some soul searching. There will be some stories. There will be some spirituality, some sense of spirit at least, a little numerology, astrology and just pouring from the heart rather than the mind. it will not be the blod=g I wanted, but it will be the one I need. In time it might go back to that loft ideal it started at, but for now its my diary, or maybe my journal.

It will be told in the style of parables, along with just flat out prose as I unburden my mind, and perhaps my heart. I'll probably cry as I do it at points along the way, but unless I tell you, you'll never know. There will be times when I break the fourth wall and converse with anyone out there that wants to talk back, sometimes it will just be free-form shit as it flows from my mind to my fingers.

There will be spelling errors, and punctuation mistakes. Get used to them now.

Tomorrow, at the end of the year, as the new moon begins its course across the sky, I think I'll begin. Until then, I'll go read a book.

Comments welcome. Be nice. Peace and love people.