A New Start

Let's hope.

I started this with the intention of it being a sort of spiritual type deep and meaningful blog full of sensitive thoughts and wise words and all things like that.

That was the intention.

The reality is/was that I let myself drift too far from that ideal. I lost my connection to myself due to many environmental hassles as well as being time poor (or so I thought) and letting things rule my life rather than the other way round.

And thus it has lain idle for many a year (5 of 'em, count 'em. Five!!).

Of late, things have changed. This is the true dawning of Aquarius it seems. Drama - ever my enemy - reared its ugly head and held me captive for a long long time.  had to be everything to everyone, rockstar engineering support, super father, super husband, attentive friend. I took on problems I had no business dealing with, and I made sure everyone got through their hassles, surmounted their problems and walked away happy.

Everyone but me.

Five odd months ago and I get a phone call, the details of which will be spoken of soon, maybe not this post but soon. Suffice to say that things happened, things I was no prepared for, and in the course of dealing with them as best I could, found myself overwhelmed. The past - my past, that I had thought safety contained and controlled - was brought back into the light in a sudden and shocking way. Things I thought - if not forgotten, at least dealt with - became a monster loose from its chains and roaming wild in my mind, breaking other thoughts I'd covered and buried out of their confnes and allowing them to ride roughshod across my life.

I began to relive past mistakes, and they are many.

Too fucking many.

And for a minute, just one, maybe a few more, I lost the one thing I have always held dear.

I lost control.

I wrote something a long time ago that became part of a reasonably popular book optioned for a movie that didn't eventuate.



Time doesn't heal all wounds. Sometimes it just covers them with scar tissue.



It's funny, at 57 years of age, having endured some stuff as we all do in our life of collecting experiences, how easy it is to let those experiences just turn into a fucking disaster. You know its not a disaster, because here you are, 30 odd years after it all went wrong, having processed and worked through anger, pain, misery sadness to acceptance that its over and that is that, so it can't be bad, can it?

Here to tell you buddy, you might think you've done the work and set it all aside, but I'm willing to bet all you've done is cover it up or even buried it. That fucker is still in there, waiting for something to trigger its release.

It's not pretty.

Heart racing at an unhealthy level, unable to sleep, especially when you're a bad sleeper at the best of times, can't eat, want to drink all the wrong things. Pain for no other reason than you need to feel something. Panic. an overlying sense of doom.

All it took was a phone call.

On the surface, an innocent thing. ld friends catching up, a comment made, a disaster unfolding and your away.

The details will come out soon. I promise. It may be boring to you, I don;t know. Given my level of investment, it was life of death to me. It still is, but with a little luck, a lot of management and love from some unexpected sources, I might just turn this monster around and either kill him off, or just get him locked back under a tonne or two of new memories.

So yes, there will be some soul searching. There will be some stories. There will be some spirituality, some sense of spirit at least, a little numerology, astrology and just pouring from the heart rather than the mind. it will not be the blod=g I wanted, but it will be the one I need. In time it might go back to that loft ideal it started at, but for now its my diary, or maybe my journal.

It will be told in the style of parables, along with just flat out prose as I unburden my mind, and perhaps my heart. I'll probably cry as I do it at points along the way, but unless I tell you, you'll never know. There will be times when I break the fourth wall and converse with anyone out there that wants to talk back, sometimes it will just be free-form shit as it flows from my mind to my fingers.

There will be spelling errors, and punctuation mistakes. Get used to them now.

Tomorrow, at the end of the year, as the new moon begins its course across the sky, I think I'll begin. Until then, I'll go read a book.

Comments welcome. Be nice. Peace and love people.

Keep this in mind

Doesn't take much, dies it??

Peace.

The Test

Most of the old religions, and almost all of the newer ones, all speak of the life we know and live as being a test; a test of faith, a test of spirit, in my case certainly a test of patience. W are tested, supposedly, so that we can experience all sides of creation and existence. I suppose it's true. How can you know peace if you've never known war? Known love if you've never felt it? How can you truly know what you would do until you actually have to do it?

Life is not one big test, more a series of small ones. We all know tests. We probably had to sit a few throughout our academic lives. We may be prosperous for a time, then fall to what we believe is the bottom of the barrel (believe me, no matter how low you fall, the bottom is a lot lower). We may be poor, then win the lottery. It happens. Sometimes we call it fate, or karma, but really, to different degrees for every situation, it's just life, the experience of it and the living of all the levels.

One group I worked with a long time ago worked on the idea that we are all surrounded by a sphere of tiny dots: millions and billions of them. This sphere roughly equated to Leonardo Da Vinci's portrait of Man. Imagine, if you will, those millions of dots surrounding you. If you look closely at them, you can see tiny little pathways that interconnect them. Expand that particular piece of the universe and see that each dot is a junction, a nexus. Imagine now that each nexus is an experience, each experience creating a new YOU in a  new Universe. In one you are male, another female. Another you live a long life, the next you are stillborn. The you in the middle of the sphere is the WHOLE YOU, experiencing everything there is to experience, all at once.

As an aside, think about those times you have met someone for the first time, only to be sure that it's not the first time, of remember doing something that you would swear blind you'd\have never done before. Synchronicity, deja vu. Back to our sphere, imagine some of that energy leaking from one pathway to another, memories of one life mixing for a moment with another, or more than one, more likely. In this life, that person you're sure you've never met, turns out you have, in another life. Crazy stuff, right? But maybe...

Today, my trials are hard, by my own standards. I am being tested in my strength to survive, my will to win, my need for safety. My faith, my security, and  - I'm sure - my sanity is being tested. I know this. By many standards, what I call a test is probably living the life or Riley. There are so many out there that have nothing, so little that I look like a millionaire, but that is their test, not mine. This - in my experience - is a trial. My world is breaking down, and the stress is more sometimes than I think I can handle.

And this is the true test.

If I Fail, If I falter at all, if I let my faith, my sense of self, my sense of humour leave me then I have failed. I KNOW that things will get better, internally and externally. Through all this I have grown stronger in the love for my family and my friends. This alone makes me richer than kings. I have found strength to recover from hardships, from negativity, from falsehoods and backstabbers.

in short, I'M STILL HERE!!!

That's faith in the self, the best faith you can have.

So, no matter what life, or lives throw at you, no matter how downtrodden you might feel, once you accept the fact that you can change it, that you can persevere and win

You Will.

Keep your mind wide open.