A New Start

Let's hope.

I started this with the intention of it being a sort of spiritual type deep and meaningful blog full of sensitive thoughts and wise words and all things like that.

That was the intention.

The reality is/was that I let myself drift too far from that ideal. I lost my connection to myself due to many environmental hassles as well as being time poor (or so I thought) and letting things rule my life rather than the other way round.

And thus it has lain idle for many a year (5 of 'em, count 'em. Five!!).

Of late, things have changed. This is the true dawning of Aquarius it seems. Drama - ever my enemy - reared its ugly head and held me captive for a long long time.  had to be everything to everyone, rockstar engineering support, super father, super husband, attentive friend. I took on problems I had no business dealing with, and I made sure everyone got through their hassles, surmounted their problems and walked away happy.

Everyone but me.

Five odd months ago and I get a phone call, the details of which will be spoken of soon, maybe not this post but soon. Suffice to say that things happened, things I was no prepared for, and in the course of dealing with them as best I could, found myself overwhelmed. The past - my past, that I had thought safety contained and controlled - was brought back into the light in a sudden and shocking way. Things I thought - if not forgotten, at least dealt with - became a monster loose from its chains and roaming wild in my mind, breaking other thoughts I'd covered and buried out of their confnes and allowing them to ride roughshod across my life.

I began to relive past mistakes, and they are many.

Too fucking many.

And for a minute, just one, maybe a few more, I lost the one thing I have always held dear.

I lost control.

I wrote something a long time ago that became part of a reasonably popular book optioned for a movie that didn't eventuate.



Time doesn't heal all wounds. Sometimes it just covers them with scar tissue.



It's funny, at 57 years of age, having endured some stuff as we all do in our life of collecting experiences, how easy it is to let those experiences just turn into a fucking disaster. You know its not a disaster, because here you are, 30 odd years after it all went wrong, having processed and worked through anger, pain, misery sadness to acceptance that its over and that is that, so it can't be bad, can it?

Here to tell you buddy, you might think you've done the work and set it all aside, but I'm willing to bet all you've done is cover it up or even buried it. That fucker is still in there, waiting for something to trigger its release.

It's not pretty.

Heart racing at an unhealthy level, unable to sleep, especially when you're a bad sleeper at the best of times, can't eat, want to drink all the wrong things. Pain for no other reason than you need to feel something. Panic. an overlying sense of doom.

All it took was a phone call.

On the surface, an innocent thing. ld friends catching up, a comment made, a disaster unfolding and your away.

The details will come out soon. I promise. It may be boring to you, I don;t know. Given my level of investment, it was life of death to me. It still is, but with a little luck, a lot of management and love from some unexpected sources, I might just turn this monster around and either kill him off, or just get him locked back under a tonne or two of new memories.

So yes, there will be some soul searching. There will be some stories. There will be some spirituality, some sense of spirit at least, a little numerology, astrology and just pouring from the heart rather than the mind. it will not be the blod=g I wanted, but it will be the one I need. In time it might go back to that loft ideal it started at, but for now its my diary, or maybe my journal.

It will be told in the style of parables, along with just flat out prose as I unburden my mind, and perhaps my heart. I'll probably cry as I do it at points along the way, but unless I tell you, you'll never know. There will be times when I break the fourth wall and converse with anyone out there that wants to talk back, sometimes it will just be free-form shit as it flows from my mind to my fingers.

There will be spelling errors, and punctuation mistakes. Get used to them now.

Tomorrow, at the end of the year, as the new moon begins its course across the sky, I think I'll begin. Until then, I'll go read a book.

Comments welcome. Be nice. Peace and love people.

Keep this in mind

Borrowed from:

Mindfulness Coach

http://www.mindfulnesscoach.com.au/

Doesn't take much, dies it??

Peace.

take what you need, there's always more.

Stolen from Lifebuzz. This is brilliant. Take what you need to get through the hard times.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. #10 Is An Absolute Must.

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Marc and Angel, two passionate writers, life-hackers and “admirers of the human spirit,” have come up with an amazing list of 30 things to stop doing to yourself. If you like their list, make sure you check out their site and sign up to their amazing newsletter.

#1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

pongboy

#2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

#3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

aberrantbeauty.tumblr.com

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

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#5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

#6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

Max Rossi / Reuters

#7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

#8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

#9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

#10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.

Andy Hutchinson

#11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

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#12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

cajamediterraneo

#13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

budi ‘ccline’

#14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

#15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

claudio campa

#16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Stuface

#17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

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#18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Jessica Trinh

#19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

#20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.

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#21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Milan Dimitrijevic

#22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Mike Killian

#23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.

CARF

#24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.

#25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Thomas P. Peschak

#26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

sergei gladyshev

#27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.

zephurr

#28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Chris A

#29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Sarolta Bán

#30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Credit: marcandangel.com

This is such a beautiful list, and we all are guilty of some of these. The best thing to do is just remember each day to appreciate and reflect a bit, even if it's only a few minutes. Share this amazing list by clicking below.

People, just think about it.

Had an email from a young lady friend of a young male friend of mine the other day. On the face of it she seemed a little wild and random, but polite and nice when face to face. I was a little surprised at the message.

Basically, she was thanking me for being "nice" to her in our conversations during her relationship with my young friend. I told her I tried - though sometimes didn't succeed - in being nice as much as I could.She explained some of her background (I didn't think of it as being bad) and how so many people she knew kept putting her down because she believed in really odd and old fashioned things ie; fidelity in relationships, honesty, abstinence until marriage, really heavy concepts like that. Some in their circle called her wierd, a fruitcake and other rude things and made her feel less than worthy.

Sorry, in my book she is a hero.

Someone willing to stand up for they believe in despite the peer pressure, despite the negativity being thrust their way. This young lady had/has a plan for her life; education, finding a job she enjoyed enough to spend her life working at, loving her partner when the time came to settle down, being honest in all relationships. Sorry, thinking like that is becoming a rarity these days.

Right at that point I would have adopted her.

But her stand had the negative effect of making her put different masks over her personality so she could "fit in". She changed herself to suit the group, because she thought she was powerless to change the group.

The best you can do is hold on to your truth. Be yourself, so long as it is HONESTLY yourself. You will suffer the slings and arrows of others not so far up the evolutionary ladder as you, but if you are honest about who you are and what you believe then you are a winner.

Don't change to lower yourself. Don't try to change others (that trick never works!).

And don't change to please others.

As Popeye said:

And he didn't mean a root vegetable.

In today's more enlightened language, you are a GURU.

Break it down ...

Gee, You are you!

Be the You you want to be.